He stood in the desert, a vision in black,
With a high-collared jacket and abs on attack.
The prophet of freedom, the king of Dubai,
Who dips in ice water to wave us goodbye.
“Your secrets are sacred! Your data is home!”
Cried Pavel, while scraping your contact list dome.

He swore that his fortress was locked to the world,
As the banners of “Privacy First” were unfurled.
But don’t check the settings, and don’t peek inside,
Where “end-to-end” secrets are easy to hide!
The default is open, the cloud has the key,
So the hackers and feds can read chats for a fee.

But who needs encryption when Pavel can flex
In high-fashion photos that baffle and vex?
We traded our safety for stickers of frogs,
And left all our data to leak in the bogs,
While the digital savior was striking a pose,
With a filter to soften the bridge of his nose.

× × ×

But then came the blackout, the ultimate crash,
That silenced the scammers and ruined the cash.
The links of the t.me withered away,
And left the whole internet gasping in gray.
The loading wheels spun in a desperate dance,
And the crypto-bros fell in a sorrowful trance.

No channel could broadcast, no bots could deliver,
The “bulletproof” servers were starting to shiver.
The drug-dealing channels, the leaks, and the spam,
Were suddenly trapped in a giant traffic jam.
And users screamed out in a panic of fright:
“Where will I get my fake news for the night?”

For hours the network was silent and cold,
As the myth of the “unbreakable” system unrolled.
While Durov was probably combing his hair,
His users were weeping in utter despair,
Realizing their “safe” and “indestructible” space
Was run on a server that fell on its face.

× × ×

Oh Pavel, the martyr, the free-speech crusader,
Who turned in a flash to a cooperative trader!
He flew to the Frenchmen, got cuffed at the gate,
And decided compliance was better than fate.
“I’ll give you the IPs, the logs, and the keys—
Just let me go back to my yacht, if you please!”

So raise up a glass to the messenger grand,
The least private highway in all of the land.
With its spinning blue circle and high-fashion boss,
Where your safety is always a total net loss!